Sunday, April 27, 2008

The end of an era: DFU Hockey make the semifinals

The glorious campaign that was spring term 2008 finally came to an end Thursday night, but like all true champions, DFU Hockey left the ice with honor, having fought hard to the very end against a strong opponent. In the end, the result of the do-or-die semifinals game against Misery Business was a loss, but by the very respectable scoreline of 6-2.

Which is truly astonishing when you think back to the old days of DFU Hockey when simply scoring a goal, or losing by single digits was a major achievement. On Thursday, in the playoffs no less, they not only scored twice, but also held scoreless for extremely long stretches a team that in years past would skated circles around the DFU.

In doing so, they produced a result that actually sounds like a real hockey score. Genuine hockey teams in actual leagues could very easily lose a game 6-2. And what's more, the other semifinals game was actually a worse beating, as the other loser was defeated 8-1. Think about that: DFU Hockey not only made the playoffs but wasn't even the team made most to look like they didn't belong.

It was a true team effort, with a number of fantastic saves from Jamie Berk, some excellent defensive work from Kathryn, some great offensive passes from Cbrandt, some truly inspired stick-work from the new (Physics) Dave, a number of breakaways from Mainieros, a donation of tape from Scott in order to help Caroline keeps her knee-pads on, and a guest appearance from Brian and Beth that was crucial to helping the DFU fulfill its female quota.

This reporter is proud to have filmed one video which truly demonstrates the Herculean effort put forth by the DFU, with attack efforts, great defensive stops, saves from Jamie (and which also shows how good the opposition was):

More video and pictures can be seen at the bottom, after the full match report from Captain Kernoff:

Well everyone, I am proud to inform you that played our final game of the season (and my [legal] career) of DFU HOCKEY!!!!!!!

The game was a score of 6-2, but I am very proud to say we put up an EXTREMELY good fight against what I'd call an exceptionally strong team (their girls were all REALLY good, and their guys had all clearly played in high school - they like, all haad their own skates and colored socks and stuff.

Thanks go out to everyone who showed up and played and evyerone who supported the team, even to those who did not play. To those who supported the team in spirit we thank you.

Especially memorable was the 15-20 minute defensive wall like plays, especially by our 3 women who played THE ENTIRE GAME WITH NO BREAK, and Jamie put up one hell of a defense against a storm of shots. We managed to hold them to only 6 goals (very few, in comparison to the double-digit levels we've seen in the past AND the scores this team has had vs. other teams this season).

Special thanks to cbrandt for showing up with 1 second before the game started (quite literally) and saving the team from having to forfiet. Very strong move. especially considering she didn't wear gloves. not quite a strong move. when pucks hit you in the hands w/out gloves it hurts. badly.

Also exciting was in the final momements of the game as the clock wound down, with a score of 6-1, we managed a breakaway and scored the final goal of the game with only 10 seconds left on the clock.

Some other highlights:
1. multiple very hard hits - helments knocked off, a stick thrown across the ice, and one stick literally CRUSHED IN HALF

2. great defense. very great defense. jamie yelled a lot... i think it was encouragmenet though, i couldn't hear most of it. good goaltending though jamie...

3. some good offensive plays, against a very fast and physical defensive line...

Anyway, this DFU Hockey season, and I'd say our most successful yet, comes to a pretty good close, we had a good run... semis in a league of 30 moosilauke teams (many, i'd say, illegitimately) is nothintg to squawk at.... good work

Kernoff demonstrates his fine handling skills (and then loses the puck, unfortunately)

DFU Hockey demonstrates its defensive prowess, holding off a strong attack.

And, some photos:

Foreshadowing of a hard-fought game to come...

Kathryn and Cbrandt on offense.


Josh fights for possession in the corner.

Cbrandt to the rescue.

Mainieros shoots.

A Mainieros breakaway.

Lots of action...

The final seconds. Cbrandt passes to Kernoff, who bolts up the ice and scores!

The final score.

Congratulations DFU Hockey!

Thursday, April 24, 2008


The dream continues. Earlier this year, the hopes of New England were shattered when the Patriots' bid for the first perfect season in 35 years ended in tragedy. But now, a new hope emerges, as DFU Hockey wrapped up their season with yet another victory.

The heroes this time were Meghan, Julie, and Kathryn who assured a victory the instant they stepped onto the ice and thus assured a full and legal contingent of women. The other team, sadly, was only able to field one woman and thus was required to forfeit.

This may have been for the best, because as they teams scrimmaged in an unofficial exhibition match, memories of past DFU games emerged. No one was keeping score, so there's no way to say for sure if the margin of defeat was single or double digits, but this reporter believes it was much closer to the latter than the former.

Irregardless, the team marches on and faces its most significant test ever in the semifinals against "Misery Business." The puck drops tonight at 8:55.

Video and picture highlights below:

Cyrus disrupts the attack.

Berk makes many, many saves.

Our goal, apparently.

The team, ready for anything.

Back on defense.

Josh does the splits.

Physics Dave on a breakaway.

Josh shoots and scores!

Playoffs, here we come...

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Are you kidding me? Playoffs?!

A second DFU Hockey victory, another step closer to the impossible dream of making the playoffs. Correspondent Josh Kernoff reports:

What started 3 years ago as a bunch of debaters who couldn't skate and lost eveyr game they ever played by a margin of 5 or greater (excpet one time we recruited some canadian ringers and won.... but no DFU people scored goals that game... or really did anything)..... has now evolved into a group of debaters who can kind of skate a little better than we used to.

Tonight, DFU Hockey made history. DFU Hockey won its SECOND consecutive victory in Dartmouth's Co-Ed Intramural Hockey Leage (the beginner division). Based on a technicality, we wil now make PLAYOFFS (eveyr team except us and the two teams we played has a "forfiet" that disqualifies them because they didn't have enough females on their teams to have a full team).

It's true we have recruited some non-debaters to help us out, but recruiting dartmouth's physics grad students hardly counts as unfairly pulling in unexpected hockey stars.

See this victory in all the picture-perfect quality that can be provided by a $99 camera...

Josh scores.

Caroline leads a breakaway and sets up yet another Kernoff goal!

An extended attack, followed by a quick Equestrian counter and a fabulous save from Jamie.

And some more old-fashioned pictures:

Meghan (scoring a goal in her first ever game) leading the attack.

Scott on defense.

Josh on defense.

Caroline leads a DFU attack. Their goalie lies flat on the ice.

Cyrus on a breakaway. Will he make something of this shocking opportunity...

Can you believe it? He actually scored.

A 5 on 1 breakaway opportunity.

The final score. DFU Hockey wins!

Team photo!

DFU Hockey wins their first game (for real): highlights

Some highlights from DFU Hockey's record-breaking (as in it snapped a record-breaking losing streak) victory over MC^2:

The opening face off.

DFU Hockey draws first blood!

A breakaway opportunity.

A DFU victory!!! Note that the record-keepers weren't paying attention and so failed to record two DFU goals. When this was pointed out, they said they "didn't want to run up the score." The idea that trying to avoid running up the score would involve removing DFU goals was so preposterous that several members of the team nearly went into shock.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

DFU Hockey wins!

Yes, DFU Hockey won a game last night. A real game. For serious. And with a team composed entirely of actual DFUers.

With this being the first game of the Spring season that also leaves our intrepid team in an extremely unfamiliar location: first place.

Full match report from our on-the-ice correspondent Josh Kernoff (pictures to be added once I put some batteries in my camera):

for real this time! no charlie/lucy analogies!

its official! a geniune bonafide DFU HOCKEY unadulterated fully earned no-penalties, no cheating, NO CANDIAN RINGERS vicotry!

MC^2 3


Scott Daniel made a debut with some incredible defense including multiple enormous body slams of some guy on the other team who looked like he was much better at math than hockey- scotts checks made theentirety of the boards rumble!

Caroline brandt made an amazing return to the team, with some outstanding defense and i must say surprisingly fast skating, with multiple offensive moves, passes, and a "lucky yellow vest" that apparently gave us the luck to win the game

Jamie berk made a return to goal where "the wall" denied MC^2 multiple offensive opportuniies and did a good job arguing with the ref over the first goal.... even though it wasn't over turned....

Becky [not sure last name] showed the DFU that she deserves higher recognition than Butterly in the dfu (she gets his mailbox now) as she managed to single handedly allow the dfu to win - as the THIRD female, we would've had to forfeit without her performance...... note however, our victory was not contingent on butterly's performance.....

Dave Mainieros had an outstanding game with (i lost count but i'm pretty sure about) 6 goals and a number of assists.... his scoring run was so impressive that i'm pretty sure if john had been at the game that Mainieros would've been "that guy" that john always hates for running up the score!

and finally, KATHRYN scored a goal! and had about 25 shots on (or off) goal...... but ultimately scored one past the MC^2'ds impressive goalie... joining the top 5 club of all time high scorers for DFU-Hockey.....

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Highlights: first two games

In anticipation of the game this evening against Team Bluth (which many people are calling "DFU Hockey's best chance ever to win a game - without Canadians") here are the highlights from the first two games of the 2008 winter season.

From the first game:

Josh facing off.

DFU Hockey on offense!

Josh takes a shot (it didn't go in).

Penalty!! DFU Hockey scores!!

Final score. A hard-fought game, a real moral victory to almost hold them to a single digit margin of victory...

From the second game:

New goalie, Jamie Berk stares at the enemy and dares them to take a shot. Other DFU defenders do their best to not trip over their sticks.

The other team shoots - Jamie saves!

Shane's game face.

DFU Hockey on offense.

Swapping lines to get our fighter out on the ice.

Don't let the scoreline fool you. This was the best DFU Hockey has played for as long as this reporter can remember.

To see more highlights like these live and in person, come out to the arena at 10:30 tonight. Cheer them on, take bets about how many seconds into the game the other team will score their first goal (current over/under at 33), and bring tennis balls to throw on the ice when/if DFU Hockey scores.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

DFU Hockey Rookies Pull Through - Veteran Stars Also Shine - Butterly Not Seen

By Joshua Kernoff, DFU Hockey Blog's Chief Correspondent

DFU Hockey played an epic season opener.... a true rudy-hoosiers-rocky-mystery, alaska-baseketball sports thriller that was so dramatic stephen speilberg couldn't have orchestrated a more heart renching and exciting story...

In the opener vs. the "Handlers", the DFU players indeed "handled their opponents".... unfortunately the handlers also handled the dfu players. in fact they "handled" us 600% more than we did them.

but nonetheless.....

Veteran Goalie Kade Olsen, playing in what some have rumored...although this can neither be verified nor denied... may be his final goalie performance....shined brilliantly in the openning minutes, stopping the "handlers" barricade of shots at the speed of light....

Soon his "wall like" defense was buttressed by the efforts of returning defensewomen, "the destroyer" kathryn clark and "the other destroyer who falls a little bit more but can also kill opponents but kicking them in the balls...and also think about how much more it would hurt if she did that with skates on" caroline harkins.... who managed to both take out multiple "handler players"... kathryn hit the player in the white shirt so senseless he lost his pads, stick, and a few teeth, while caroline leveled multiple "handlers" into the boards

veteran shane, who with harkins, showed up dramatically to the game at the last minute after returning from a successful debate performance at Berkeley, also put up a solid defense, managing to stand up for the majority of the game and execute multiple break away passes to the offense...

weak-ankles-turner exhibited massive improvement both in skating, passing, and general move-a-bility (particularly in light of his infamous backwards-spiral-triple-axle
-fall)...he made a debut in the offensive zone, making a geourgious zinging pass across the zone right to rookie david maineiro who also caught the puck and did something with it. weak-ankles-turner, the teams delegated grouch-and-complainer-about-the-other-teams-cocky-players-in-general-person noted that today's competition was suprisingly kind, in general delightful, and not assholes (despite some cheap shots at us, that ultimately cost THEM a goal...)

Rookie david maineiro showed great promise, spending a great deal of time (particularly by DFU hockey standards) in the offensive zone, making multiple passes, a few shots, and genearlly putting intense intense pressure on the other teams goalie, despite never seeming to manage to grasp the concept of "offsides" (or maybe he grasped it too well, realizing that when your down by 10 you can get away with anything)

Ultimately, DFU Hockey managed to pull together to put up quite a few good shots on goal, and two actual goals, to make the game 12-2, nearly achieving the team goal of not losing by double digits. However, if scores were counted in penalty-shot-gaols-scored, DFU would've won 1-0, with the refs buying a brilliant taking-of-a-fall resulting in a penalty shot... deeking the goalie and putting the puck in the right-hand-roof of the next.

Fans/Documentarians/Hecklers/Coaches Charles, Tim, and Scott provided great loyal fan-ery, documentary material, heckling, and coaching...I believe there is some good footage of bueatiful embarrassing falls on behalf of every team member, and a few glrious plays....

oh yeah and cyrus showed up late and didn't play. lame.